Atonement
by darknessfalls28
Summary: Dexter poses a question to Debra which she must answer, but can't. Set after the tumultuous events of episode 8.4 "Scar tissue". Based off the newest sneak peek for 8.5 – do not read ahead if you haven't watched this. Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters – just a tribute to my favorite two. Includes one quote from classic literature.


**Deb's POV**

It's strange how tables turn so easily. Just last week, my foster brother was the one knocking on my door, trying to fix my broken mind, making attempts to bring back a normalcy of sorts, and failing miserably. I almost felt sorry for him – but the rage and guilt in me wouldn't let me open up to him, or even be rational about the horrific event six months ago. I kept pushing him away – partly because every time I looked at him, my own inner monster was reflected back at me; and partly it was the other reason – another person whom I thought was the love of my life turning out to be a fucking serial killer. I want to say it was as bad as the Rudy/ Brian fiasco, but it wasn't – it was a million times worse.

The pain of the discovery, not just of what Dexter had done and was capable of doing, but what _I_ was capable of. Capable of tampering with police evidence, capable of murder, capable of confessing to it (or at least attempting to). Capable of a calmly planned suicide/murder attempt. I don't know what made me dive back into that lake.

But here he was, in front of me, looking at me with an unfathomable expression, while I pleaded with him to let me help rescue Dr. Vogel.

"I want to help you."

"No."

"Dexter…" I pressed on.

"You tried helping me once before, it didn't work out so well", he said evenly.

I refused to back down. "That was about killing someone, this is about saving someone."

"It's dangerous", he said, with more concern than coldness this time.

"I fucking know it's dangerous, Vogel's life is at stake." He didn't look convinced. Desperately, I continued, "Look, you can hate me for the rest of your life, but for right now can we just set that aside until we know that she's ok?"

What he said next took me completely by surprise - "I don't hate you…"

I will never forget his expression at that moment. I could tell he wasn't done with his sentence, but whatever he was planning to say seemed to have died on his lips. I saw a struggle, and a very brief flicker of that old familiar warmth before his face went blank again. My heart started pounding with the anticipation of his next words.

And then he said it – what I had been dreading. "Why did you save me? Why didn't you just let me drown?"

Speechless is not the word. I couldn't look at him or even think! A few silent, heavy seconds later I finally returned his steady gaze. My throat was dry as I tried to form the words. How could I answer him when I didn't know the answer myself? This would take some background explanation. Maybe if I started rambling now, I would make sense later on. "Dexter…. look", I began, "you know I've been fucking traumatized by everything that's been happening and…. I was going crazy and…. I guess it was supposed to be my atonement…. or something like that."

"Deb I understand why you did what you did, what I don't get is why you changed your mind at the last minute. That's my question. We both know that my being dead would be better for you. So tell me, why?"

"Because…" my eyes searched his beseechingly. I found no pity there, just that same inexplicable expression. Did he really want me to explain? This was territory better left unexplored. But his determined look told me he wasn't going to let me get away with vague statements anymore.

"Because?" he repeated, in a very low voice. I trembled with its intensity and the question hung in the air for what seemed like an eternity. My mind screamed out the answer, but the words wouldn't come out. _Because I can't live without you! _But I remained silent. I couldn't look away, it was as if I was transfixed and _he_ was looking straight into my soul. "Deb..?" _Tell me what you feel, Deb_.

To my immense relief, Masuka's voice broke through the haze, "Dex! Get over here, we may have found some of the perp's skin samples – need you to take them back to the lab. Oooohh, the hot Morgan's back." I let out a shallow, breathy chuckle at his endearing inappropriateness. "It's good to see you too, Vince!" Wow, I've sure come a long way if I find Masuka normal now!

"Coming, Masuka!" Dexter called. He turned back to me. "This isn't over", he said quietly.

I swallowed. "What about Vogel? We need to find her before Yates kills her, and he's got a head start."

His brow furrowed in thought. "I'll take care of Yates. You stay out of this."

"I'm coming with you." I said stubbornly.

"Ok, let me just put the evidence away for this crime scene. Meet me at the station café in half an hour."

Forty-five minutes later, we were on our way to Vogel's apartment to hunt for clues as to her place of captivity. Thank God for deadly missions.

**Dexter's POV**

I blinked away the sleep from my eyes as I drove down from the hospital where we had left Dr. Vogel for the night. Debra and I had managed to find her, bound and gagged, in an abandoned building which housed her original practice from all those years ago when she chalked out the code with Harry. Vogel's gift to me… the code that defined who I was to become. The sick freak Yates was about to break her toes using an instrument which resembled the bone crushers I'd seen at his apartment. I think we took him by surprise, but he'd underestimated us both. Deb had been especially stalwart tonight, I have to admit, and her being there was something Yates had not calculated. A murderous forensic expert _and_ an angry ex-cop had proved to be more than a match for him, and he was now on his way to the Gulf stream with my former playmates. Not chopped up – in spite of everything she knows I still won't do that in front of Deb – but dead and done anyway. Was I done too? These days I didn't kill because I wanted to, but out of necessity. The monster was fading, the human was taking his place.

I stopped the car in front of my apartment and turned to my foster sister. "Ok… here we are. Thanks for letting me drive… I just wasn't sure you could handle it right then." I tossed her car keys back to her. _Thanks for ruining my car, by the way . _I was going to have a hard time explaining to the insurance company why I drove head first into the lake. But that was the least of my concerns – after all, fiction is what I do best, isn't it?

"Are you sure you're good to drive? You could stay here if you want." I didn't need another disaster right now – especially one involving Deb. I had too much on my mind.

"I'm fine, Dexter", Deb insisted. I looked at her. She didn't look fine to me, but I decided to leave her alone, for a change. She was already much better than a month ago, at least externally. Thanks to Vogel's counseling, she'd faced her own demons in that fateful shipping container and finally hit rock bottom. If she needed more time away from me to bounce back, I would give it to her. Because I'm not a selfish type of monster now, am I?

"Don't speed", I said aloud. "And thanks for the help tonight, Deb. We're a good team, despite everything else." I managed a small smile.

She looked at me with a strange mixture of gratitude and despair. "Great, thanks Dex. Good night then."

I stared at her car headlights until they disappeared from sight, then rushed to relieve Jamie. Harrison was already asleep, so I thanked her and we said our goodbyes for the day. I went over to my son's bedside. "Daddy's home, little buddy." I whispered, stroking his blond hair. He shifted in his sleep but did not wake up. He was all Rita. All I had left of what was once a happy family. Strange that such an innocent creature is a part of me. _But so is she. _I closed the door to Harrison's room and headed down to my own.

Exhausted, I lay down and shut my eyes. My mind kept wandering back to the only other person I could call family. And she wasn't even related to me, not really. What prevented me from killing her after she discovered my moonlighting activities? What made me kill my blood brother, turn in my lover, risk everything just to keep Deb safe? What, despite the ruthless monster in me, refused to get rid of her even after she nearly drowned us both? Frustrated, I realized. I needed her to answer my question. After her confession of her more-than-sisterly feelings for me, she shot a cop to save me, and then spent the next six months hating me for it. And now this. I needed to know what she was thinking. I would visit her when things settled down a bit. We had a case to wrap up this week, and with Vogel safe for now, I can keep a low profile for a while. My cell phone beeped with a text message from Deb. "Reached home", it said simply. I drifted off soon after.

**Deb's POV**

Finally, the weekend! I've always loved my job, and lately Elway has been a real joy to work with. But my mind and body are finally caving in to the stress I'd subjected myself to during the past few months. Not to mention the stunts I'd pulled lately. Saving Vogel made me feel a bit better about myself. I had needed help, whether or not I admitted it, and she had done just that. Still, thank God it's fucking Friday.

In my new silk pajamas, I settled down with – not a beer – but a book. Yes, Debra Morgan was serious about beating the bottle. I don't want to go back to that phase. I will get over this, and if the dark thoughts come back I think I'm now equipped to bear them quite cheerfully. I looked at the book cover. Not exactly what I would call cheerful, I mused. "Wuthering Heights", my favorite when I was thirteen. It's been over twenty years. I flipped the pages to my favorite parts.

_"So much the worse for me that I am strong. Do I want to live? What kind of living will it be when you—oh, God! Would you like to live with your soul in the grave?"_

I closed the book warily. This was hitting a bit too close. Holy shit! Is this why I liked the book in the first place? Because it reminded me of _him_? Of that dark something that I'd always sensed in him, but turned a blind eye to?

I replaced it on the shelf and switched on the TV. I flipped channels till I came to the cartoons. Yeah, this was something I could deal with. I giggled mindlessly at the cat and mouse games. Anything without humans would do. What's wrong with me? I'm supposed to be recovering. Maybe I need to get out. Go on a date or something. Maybe just a girls' day out….or a solo trip to the Bahamas….. or maybe….

My thoughts were interrupted by the doorbell. That's funny, I hadn't heard a car pull up. Who could it be? I looked at the clock. 8:30 pm. Not too late, but still. Work week is over, and I wasn't expecting anyone else. I got up and carefully looked through the peephole, to make sure it wasn't a prankster or a psycho. Dexter! I paused before opening the door, trying to brace myself. A talk with him is never easy these days.

I undid the lock and pulled the door open. "Hi Dex", I said quietly.

"Hey Deb, can I come in?" Dexter asked me breathlessly. He looked disheveled, like he'd been running.

"Sure! Is everything ok?" I shut and bolted the door behind us. "You're….. not in trouble, are you?"

"Trouble? No... why?" he looked puzzled. "Oh, this", he motioned to his windswept hair. "No, I've just been running."

"In these clothes?" I smirked.

"I had to get here, and fast", he said. "No car for now. Did you forget?"

"Of course not." My face flushed, thinking of what I'd done just a few days ago. "I'm sorry, Dex. So sorry."

I rushed to the kitchen to get him some cold water. He took the glass from my hand, "Thanks". He gulped it down, then wiped his mouth and faced me. I waited till his breathing evened out.

"You ran all the way here?" I began carefully.

"I'm here for an answer, Debra." _Debra_. When he calls me by my full name, I know he's in a serious mood.

"What's the question?" I played innocent, knowing full well that it wouldn't fool him one bit.

He walked across the living room, closing the distance between us. I gasped in surprise as he gripped my shoulders and pushed me against the wall. Not violently or roughly, just firmly. "Why did you do it, Deb? Why did you save me? I get everything else. Not this. Please tell me." He leaned in till our foreheads were touching, and just left it that way. _Please_.

The room was too quiet. The seconds ticked by. "Dexter…" I began. "I will answer you… just give me a minute, ok?" "Ok" he breathed. He let me go and dropped his arms to his sides.

I pushed him away just enough for me to look into his eyes. "Remember what you said just before I…" I stammered. "Remember what you asked me? You asked me whether we'll always be together."

"Yes, and you didn't answer that either." His voice was soft, his eyes sad.

"Well, so…" I continued, "At that moment, I knew we would always be together. But I meant in death." I closed my eyes. "And then I drove us into the lake."

"And then you pulled me out."

"If it wasn't for that fisherman… oh, Dex!" I couldn't continue. _Would _you_ like to live with your soul in the grave?_

"Deb, it's ok." His voice was kind. "Everything's ok now. I just want to know what was going through your mind."

"All I was thinking was… that we had no way out. No redemption. I couldn't bear it, just like dad. And I saved you because although I was willing to die with you, I wasn't willing to live without you." _My beloved, beloved Dexter._

And that was it. The simple truth. I don't know how much clearer I could be. And then I burst into tears.

Dexter came over immediately and pulled me into his arms. I grabbed his shirt and held on for dear life, sobbing into his chest. "I love you, I love you…" I cried, over and over again.

"Shhhh… Deb…. Deb" his voice was comforting, but he didn't say what I needed to hear. What I craved to hear. How could I bear this? But he just kept stroking my hair, never letting go.

Finally I pulled away and looked up at his face. I was shocked at the pain I saw there. "Deb.." he whispered. "You have no idea what you mean to me. Absolutely no idea. I'm definitely… flawed, but I'm not a psychopath. Not textbook, anyway. This is not a cover. This is not fake. What we have… it's not my imagination. It's all real. My feelings for you. They're real… probably the most real thing in my entire life."

I stared at him. He took my face in both his hands, and then he said it. "It's always been you, Deb. I love you. More than anything else in the whole world. My need…. It's not what defines me. You are. I love you, and my life is for you." Then, he leaned in and covered my lips in a tender yet hungry kiss. _Finally! _I thought my heart would burst. Enthralled, I responded in kind, throwing my arms around his neck and kissing him back softly, reveling in the _feel_ of his lips on mine, the warmth of his hands on me. This was nothing like I'd imagined. It was a million times better.

And the years of loneliness and pain, towers of lies and sin just melted away into nothing. At that moment, we were home.

**Dexter's POV**

Deb tasted of sweetness and light, of love and loyalty, of pain and healing. She was everything that was ever good in me. We broke the kiss, breathing hard. There was a moment of shocked silence as we contemplated what had just happened. We had let our guard down. Completely. I've never felt so exposed before. And yet, safe. It's like all my life had been building up to this moment of truth, this destiny. If our fates were entwined before, now was the time to either accept this completely, or die. I knew what I had to do.

I pushed her back against the wall, and placed both my hands around her throat. There was only one way to relieve this tension. She looked back at me directly. Zero fear in her eyes. Her hands closed over mine. I thought she would tear herself away. Anybody in their right mind would run. Not Deb. Her hands clasped mine forgivingly, lovingly. She had accepted her fate… she knew what it meant to be mine. And she would not run.

_Enough!_ I was done running away too. I kissed her again, and this was very different from the first time. Her lips were soft and delicious and I kissed her deeply, letting all the intensity of my feelings go into it. Finally I pulled back and smiled at her, tucking her hair behind her ear, "So, will we always be together?" She smiled, a beautiful angelic smile. "I'm never letting you go again. Ever." "I'm not going anywhere." And then we made a silent promise to each other, and sealed it with a kiss.


End file.
